Bollocks, Bollocks, Bollocks.

I’ve been a happy heavy drinker since I was 15.  I love beer.  I’m coming to terms with what damage that massive drink session has done on my body.  1.  I’m fat bastard and 2.  I’ve got high blood pressure.  

Actually I was in a good mood today,  I’d lost 2 kilos and was zooming along on my cross trainer when the fitness centre boss came over to me.

 Fitness centre boss – “You’re looking good.  How much weight have you lost?”

 Me – “1 kilo”

FCB – “Let’s put you on the scales and measure you”

Me to myself – “bollocks”

So we go over to scales and sure enough I’ve lost 2 kilos of fat.  My BMI is 32 and she told me that normal is 25.  She also measured my blood pressure 147/82.  

So I go home and look up what this means.   So BMI of 32 means I’m obese.   Yep, I’m officially a fat bastard.  I calculated in order to achieve BMI of 25 I would have to weigh 88 kilos.   I’m currently weighing in at 116.4 kilos.   Another fucking 30 kilos of lard to lose.   Jesus wept!    So I’ve lost 2 kilos in 6 weeks.  That means I would have to keep up current regime going for another 80 weeks.  I have the feeling my drinking days are over.  Damn.   Although FCB did say that maybe 110 kilos was a heathly target for me.  That’s still another 18 cocking weeks without a decent drink.  And to add to misery I found out that blood pressure over 140 is considered high.   It should, however, come down when I lose weight.   But, in general, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

Tim, my trainer, was talking about stepping up my program to 25 minutes of hell at 160 BPM.  I didn’t think it was possible for my ticker to go that fast.  I’m wondering if he’s trying to kill me.

The worst bad news I got was that housekeeper was also tested at the fitness centre.   Her fitness is good, excellent BMI and low blood pressure.  Fucking hell, how can waving a dusting cloth around make you so damn fit.

My lard arse and Monday mornings

I’ve been going to this fitness centre for 5/6 months, training 3 times a week and really sweating my bollocks off.  Anyway, Tim my trainer, weighed and analysed me at the beginning and a week last Friday.  What was the result of my 6 month slog.  Nothing, sod all.  Not one gramm lost not one knob of lard has been turned into muscle.  I tried to put a positive spin on it.  I drank and ate well and didn’t put on an ounce.  Tim has now been put me on another regime.   At the end of my normal routine, I have to put this heart measurement strap on and jump on a machine of torture.  I then should keep my heartbeart at 150bpm for 25 minutes.  In addition, I didn’t drink any beer over the last weekend,  Actually it wasn’t a problem to lay off the booze.   Surprisingly I was quite happy drinking tea and listening to music.   I woke this Monday morning expecting to be cheerful and full of life after the beer free weekend.  No, it was still a miserable experience.  I better lose some weight after putting myself through this hell.  Hmmm…those chocolates look good over there.

My Dad’s pants, Big Brother, Nazis

My dad died quite peacefully in his sleep in November 2005.   I visited my mum and tried to help out as much as possible.  My mum offered me all his clothes.  I took some hats, coats, junpers and best of his collection of pants.  The housekeeper seemed horrified that I should actually wear a dead man’s pants.  But there were clean and they fitted so what’s the problem?    I see it as a tribute to my dad.   I looking forward to passing on the family underwear to future generations of Millers.

I set up a big plasma tv and sky plus in the small living room.  I went to great deal of trouble setting it up.  All the time I kept getting complaints from the housekeeper about the new system.  Do we really need it?  How much did that cost? etc.  Anyway since the housekeeper has taken control of the sky plus box.  For the last 3 months we’ve had big brother on every night.  I made the mistake of not getting hooked this year.  So I’ve been sulking in the other room while she gets her fix.  Now she watching Friends and other American shows.   Driving me bloody nuts.  I seriously considering getting sky sports so I can record a test series and watch it every night for the next 3 months.

When I was in Poland we went to cafe in some village in the middle of nowhere.  We immediatly notice there were a lot of skinheads and iron crosses on t-shirts.  Anyway we sat and waited to be served.  The stupid bitch waitress ignored us and finally we left in disgust.  I presume these people were nazi type people.  Could have just been a case of bad service, I suppose.  But it seems funny to me that Poland has Nazi’s. Do they hate all tourists?  They could at least taken my money and spat in my drink.  

 

Poland and Slovakia, Beer, Auschwitz

We had an excellent holiday in Poland.   We stayed near the border of Slovakia.  I’m glad to report the Polish and Slovakian beers were up to scratch.  I noticed the Polish only sell Polish beer, the Slovakian’s only Slovakian and Czech beer.  Drive 2kms across the open border and it’s a different language, currency and culture.  I find that weird that there’s such a sharp divide between two countries.  

I visited Auschwitz in Poland.  I wasn’t really shocked at anything I saw.   I was expecting to see the stuff I saw.  I was moved by some of the displays,  hundreds of children’s shoes piled up, for example.  All the shoes were dark apart from one or two red shoes which kind of stood out.  It reminded me of Spielberg’s film “Schindler’s list”.   All the film is shot in black and white apart from a little girl who has a red coat.  I took my 50% German daughter with me.  The guide’s kept saying the Germans did this and the Germans did that.  I think she will drop her German nationality when she’s 18 now.

It wasn’t my fault

The holiday home, where we were staying, burnt down last week. Suprisingly it wasn’t my fault. The neighbours chimney caught fire. We were fast asleep and the neightbours kindly knocked on our door and didn’t let us burn to death. We all escaped unharmed. The next day we had to fuck around at the police station and then we drove home. The housekeeper has been going through the “what if” scenarios in her head. I see it as an excellent opportunity to stitch up the insurance company.

The Internet is for Porn

To be honest I do dabble now and again looking at porn on the internet. In my experience there’s a choice of two types of porn. Either pro porn which uses good-looking people grunting away. The trouble is they forget to make it erotic. The other type of porn is amateur porn. Features your neighbours banging away. Mostly poor camera work and as erotic as watching your grandma giving a someone a blow job. I think I shall become a porn director. I can’t do any worse than the crap which is out there.

Chat forums. I used to create these characters on ICQ. The main purpose for me was to loon around and generally have a ball. One of these characters was the Vicar. He used to have really a rude profile and hang around rather dodgy chats forums. Then he would be very polite and not mention anything about sex. I still giggle to myself and his exploits. Anyway the Vicar still survive’s and hangs around a few forums etc. However I find forums so annoying/boring these days. I think I just can’t stand the crap people say and I often get wound up about nothing. I had my own chat forum for a while. That was a real blast. We could mess around, post pictures of naked Nazis and make lots of crap jokes – it was great. Most the of the biggger forums are pc and not much fun. I think I’m tempted to bring back my own chat forum again under a different name. I’m already laughing about it.

Stitching up the punters

My first job was working at small greengrocers’. Part of my job was serving the customers. The owner was an excellent businessman. He used to encourage me to add a few pence to the customer’s bill. He was an expert an adding up in his favour. This experience has always stuck with him. I glad to report that even today I have no problem swindling a customer. In fact, I see it as a must for any small business.

King Prawns and the neighbours

I recently got a gas fired grill to replace my old charcoal grill. It works really well and it saves all the hassle of trying to get the charcoal glowing. Plus once you’ve finished you just turn it off. I always thought charcoal cooked food is overrated. The results from gas jobby are great. My favourite dish at the moment is king prawns, then dipping them in a chili sauce. It tastes so good in fact that my neighbours have complained that my king pawns have been smoking out their living rooms every weekend for the past month. Well actually I suspect the belly pork has been the most offending dish. Loads of smoke when the fat drips on the flames.

The Germans mainly cook pork on the BBQ, which is fine. But in the supermarkets there are only 3 choices of marniate to choose from. The green one, the red one and the orange one. I prefer the orange one. The maniates are really salty. I try to marinate the steaks myself when I have time.

Vic’s Steak

Take some plain yogurt, add curry powder, honey and garlic. Leave steaks in the marinate over night. Slap on barbecue and guzzle loads of beer while cooking. Eat with greek salad and chips.

My top 25

Since getting my ipod last Christmas it’s has been keeping track of what I’ve been listening to. Here’s top 25. Make of it what you will

Into My Arms – Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Split Lips – Sons & Daughters
Return to Yesterday – The Lilac Time
Make Tonight Last - Redlands Palomino Co.
Green Eyeliner – Hot Puppies
Charlotte - Air Traffic
Dying on the Vine – The Jayhawks
Gilt Complex – Sons & Daughters
Bad Days - The Charlatans
Once More with Feeling – Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
Hollow Man – R.E.M.
Woodcat - Tunng
You Are What You Love – Jenny Lewis/Watson Twins
An Oak Tree – Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
I Got Drunk – Uncle Tupelo
The Chronicles of a Bohemian Teenager – Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
Half Dead – The Mountain Goats
The Nest – Sons & Daughters
Rebel With A Ghost – Sons & Daughters
No Depression – Uncle Tupelo
Screen Door – Uncle Tupelo
Look Me Up – Georgie James
Take Me Home – Redlands Palomino Co.
Graveyard Shift – Uncle Tupelo
Wasted on You – Redlands Palomino Co.

If you’re really keen you can hear some of the music here
http://www.playlist.com/standalone/38067333/yes

The life and soul of the party?

Never been much of a sociable type.  In fact, I hate going to any kind of party of social gathering.   I think it’s mainly because I had such a bad time at school that I kind of learnt it’s not much fun interacting with other people.  I quite happy listening to music, playing with my kids or cooking dinner/drinking beer.  Why invite other people into my private utopia?  I think the housekeeper gets pissed off at me for being so rude sometimes.  (ie. Not turning up at house warming parties, weddings, funerals etc)   Ok, I do turn up at the odd event but my gut instinct is to think of a good excuse not to go and to start rifling through my CD collection.  Some may say “What a sad git?”,  to which I’d say don’t judge me by your fucking values.  I’m happy and live a fulfiling life,  I just I don’t need the company of others.