The contract and the chocolate addict

I just lost a contract to a competitor.   You would think that’s life, you can’t win them all.  Oh no, I take it all very personally.   I had sacrificed a visit to gym to visit this stupid bitch of a client.   We had a nice talk in English which was pretty awful because it took her twice as long for her to say what she wanted.   Anyway we tested all the students and wrote up a concept.   Then 4 weeks later she says they’ve chosen another offer.  I know we could do a better job than the other cowboys.  It’s just very frustrating that we weren’t able to convince the customer of this.   If the stupid fat bitch had organized a trial lesson as I suggested instead of sitting on her lard arse stuffing chocolates down her neck, we would have got the contract.  Fuck, bollocks, wank.

Why the Vicar?

People often ask me why I call myself the vicar. Well, actually nobody has ever asked me that question. So I’m not going to tell.

Life has been good recently. Just got two new cars. I really like the VW cars, great body and well styled. So I got myself a Ford Focus which looks like a VW and has the advantage of being a car which a customer of mine sells. Large discount and good service.

I also got a raspberry phone which let’s me read my emails on the go. A great bit of kit which is very addictive.

We’ve had the add the best 5 months of business since our language school began. Skillful use of internet marketing and a good salesperson has done wonders. I find it even more stressful running a successful business. For example, we were storming along and my business partner decided to change our phone system. We switched to our new phone provider but our business phone line and fax weren’t switched over. 2 weeks no phone or fax. “Fucking bollocks” was my mantra for 14 days. Luckily we got it going again after we got a engineer to check out our system. After plugging in a rather important socket it worked straight away. (Sigh). Lesson to learn from this. 1. Don’t work in partnership with knobs and 2. Don’t fuck around with something that’s working fine.

Anyway if all goes we’ll have paid off most of mortgage and then I’ll have to find something else to worry about. Talking of which death….

My father had his first heart attack when he was 56. Being a fat bastard like my dad I was thinking to myself that’s only 12 years away for me. So I took the rather drastic action of joining a gym. I’ve been going now for 12 weeks. 3/4 times a week and it’s actually fun. Haven’t lost any weight but I feel great. Lifted the housekeeper high in the air above my head today much to her amazement.

The art of giving someone the sack

As a hardnosed businessman, from time to time I have to fire people.   Ok, here’s how you do it.

 1.  Invite target person along for an informal chat.

2.  Tell him he’s sacked and avoid getting drawn into reasons why.  If drawn say “Today I just want to make it clear our position.  We can discuss reasons why another day”.  Sacked person will be in state of shock and will handover office keys and leave without too much hassle.

3.  Sacked person will get angry a few hours later.  When he tries to make an appointment with you to discuss why he was sacked.  Avoid him.

The trickiest person I had to fire was my ex-father-in-law.   I followed the above and it worked like a dream.   Mind you he’s not talking to me. but I see that as plus point.

The Desert

I saw this TV program where this Vicar went to desert and sat in a cave halfway up a hill for a couple of weeks.   He said the first week was hard but then it was blissful.    I think that’s what I need.  

I’ve recently booked a room in Colditz castle for Easter.  Strange choice you may say.  But they’ve turned that place of terror into a very comfortable guest house.  I’ve heard it’s very peaceful there and the breakfast spread is superb.  

Bought new CDs from The Wombats and Destroyer.  Can recommend both.

Retirement and Deckchairs

Just bought myself a 107cm plasma.  We decided that anything bigger would involve extending the lounge.  Hopefully it will be delivered this week.

Bought a lot of CDS too.  Three albums by the Eels, Art Brut, The Wombats, Animal Collective and Battles.  Again haven’t got them yet.   I’ve bought them from my secret cheapo supplier.  It takes a while for them to get here.   I did receive a Toyko Police mini album and a Low album which are awfully good.

Business is good at the moment, albeit stressful.  Having to rely on drunk immature knob-ends is not good for the heart.    But I’m feeling confident I can retire at 54 now and start my dream of sitting in a deckchair full-time.  When I’m 54 I will have been working for 40 years.   High time for a well deserved rest.

Holidays, The Polish, Plasma TVs, Motorbikes and Magdeburg

I’ve already sorted out my holidays for this year.  Easter we’re visiting my Mum in Tenbury Wells.  I’m hoping to visit a few chums and swap a few CDs with them.  Summer hols we’re going to Poland for 2 weeks.  Rented a holiday cottage with a Polish cook.  Not sure what the grub will be like but she’s got really good reviews from previous guests.   Everybody thinks I’m mad for taking my car there.  I personally trust my Polish neighbours.  Then in Autumn I’m going to the horsey farm above Magdeburg with my daughter.   Then for Christmas we’re going to Seattle for 3-4 weeks.    Sounds good but I’m getting depressed looking at my work schedule I’ve lined up for myself to pay for all the holidays.  I’m also very keen on a 90 inch plasma TV and there are about 300 cds I want to buy.  Plus I should be topping up my pension plan and saving for the kids college fund.     

Other plans for 2008.  Going to try and get my motorbike licence. I’m not sure if I can afford this and plus I think I have to do a written test in German.  Used to ride a bike in England for 3/4 years.  I never bothered getting my licence because back then you could ride up to 250cc without a full licence.  I think this idea is connected to my mid-life crisis.

Other ambitions are to open another school in Magdeburg in Jan 2009.  I need to start planning this in June 2008.  

I want to lose some weight for health reasons.  Basically as I understand it fat people die early.  I don’t mind looking fat but I’d rather live to at least 75.  I think this involves not drinking so much beer, not stuffing so many sausages down and doing exercise.  I’ll give it some thought. 

The last piss up of the year

I shall do my usual January custom.  I will attempt to give up alcohol for a month.  I’ll write down my deepest darkests thoughts while I grapple with a beerless world.

Now where’s that bottle opener…..

More hair

When I was in early twenties, it looked like I was going to go bald early.   I remember which much pain how this was pointed out to me by various people.  However to due healthy living and regular masturbation I’ve managed to keep a pretty healthy head of hair.  The biggest pleasure I’ve had over the years is seeing other people going bald.  Ha, bloody, ha.. baldies.

The simple things in life.

This Christmas break I’ve been getting up, cooking huge meals, playing with the kids, going for long walks with the dogs, listening to music and drinking lager.   You would think a chap would get bored of these simple things.  Nope, I love it.  I can’t wait to give up work and make this my full time occupation.  Only slight problem is that I can’t afford to stop work.   Bugger….will give this some serious thought over the next few days.   A good money making business venture or crime seem to be the best short term options.  

I shouldn’t really complain about my job.  I have a cushy job and it pays ok.  But it just gets in the way of the above mentioned things I really want to do.

Dolly’s Tits

All through my teens, 20s, 30s and 40s I’ve been into music.    It started with glam rock, then punk and then indie/alternative music.  Over the last 3 or 4 years I’ve been listening to more and more alt-country music.  I’m quite proud that my musical taste evolves and moves off into different directions.  I get the impression a lot of people get stuck in one period/style of music. 

I used to hate the slide guitar found on most country music.  Now I really love it’s twang.  In fact, I’m convinced that heaven is full of twangy guitars not harps.

I found my spiritual home in Seattle.  Jimmy Mac’s bar/restaurant.  Served huge burgers, steaks and a good selection of  beers.   The waitresses looked like Dolly Parton and called me “Honey”.  Best of all there was some cracking country music playing in the background.   Maybe I watched too many westerns as a kid. 

Link to Jimmy Macs

http://www.jimmymacsroadhouse.com/